The Great Polygamy Debate
A couple of you wanted me to get a discussion started on this and I wanted to discuss this and so here we are. I want to get some great back and forth and so I will take the unpopular position and try to make the case for polygamy. I know there are many of you who read this site and have never left a comment. Make this the post where you leave your first comment and let me know your thoughts on the polygamy debate.
(NB: Keep the debate, positive and constructive. Remember it’s better to say nothing than say something that tears other folks down
ii) In case I can’t create an excuse to do so, make sure you read Kelly’s post on African marriages. It’s so true, so sad and sets the context for this post a little bit.)
Point Number One: A Rebuttal
I know one of the main arguments that will be brought up against polygamy is:
It’s a selfish, barbaric practice that only exists to satisfy the man. Whereas women who exist under polygamy have to endure jealousy and constantly fighting for the man’s attention and resources, the man can happily live with the daily ego boost of going in and out of his wives’ homes as he pleases. Under monogamy, the woman doesn’t have to fight for attention and has the full attention of the man in a mutually loving and nurturing relationship.
Let’s Separate the Ideal from the Reality
Ideally, under monogamy, we have a mutually loving relationship, based on friendship and trust that is mutually nurturing and satisfying to both parties. The reality on the ground is much different.
The Male Seed Wholesaler
First of all, from a very young age, there will be a 20% of men who sleep with 80% of the women. This is not an exact science but I think once I made this point, a lot of you can see that it’s true. Whether it’s the local or international celebrity or the most charming and eligible bachelors in the city, or the rich businessman, there will be that collection of men who will bed more women over the course of their life, than the other 80% combined.
These men tend to have the wonderful gift of being able to take women to emotional and orgasmic highs that the other men can’t seem to do. As a result, women are willing to jeopardize a lot in pursuit of this ultimately unattainable man.
This monogamy arrangement actually works out very favorably for these men because they can bed single women, engaged women and married women (don’t even act like this doesn’t happen very often) all over the place and thanks to contraception NEVER HAVE TO SHOULDER THE RESPONSIBILITY because the society is arranged in such a way that every adult male and female are responsible for their actions with no safety nets to protect the women.
What Polygamy Offers
What polygamy basically offers these women is accountability and security. More often than not, the “20% men” tend to be the most economically successful and most able to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of large numbers of people. The man can’t just hop from wife to wife to wife without ever having to shoulder the responsibilities for her upkeep. I am not just talking about a few thousand dollars in child support in case the man slips up one night. The man, with the support of the rest of his family can go out there, find a woman,bring her into his fold and take care of her and her children for the rest of their lives.
This will bring down the currently skyrocketing single parent household rate.
Point Number 2: The Male Nature
Finally, as I have said previously, polygamy appears to be the best way for a man to somewhat stay true to his nature in a manner that upholds his dignity, the dignity of the community and the dignity of his wife (ves) and children. Men, have been accused left, right and center of constantly being aroused by the latest, cute thing in a skirt even when they have a perfectly loving and nurturing relationship.
As one looks around the world, one can’t help but think that perhaps the man’s proclivity to always pursue the next beautiful woman isn’t just an anomaly but rather the way that he is naturally designed. So, why not stay true to this nature in a manner that is sanctioned by all the major religions of the world?
The Discussion is Way More Important than the Article in this Case
I think I will stop it there and see what discussion develops. The discussion is polygamy: give your two cents about it. Remember, keep it positive! We want some useful information to come out of this debate. Make sure you click in the small white box at the bottom of the comment box when you leave a comment so you can receive emails whenever new comments are left and stay a part of this debate.
Be blesd and bles othaz,
Mwangi
Tags: African marriage, African polygamy, Monogamy, Polygamy
The main reason HIV is prevalent in Lou land is because of wife inheritance. Husband dies of AIDS, brother inherits the widow, ends up infecting his other wives.
@caustic, currently the prevalence leer is 5%, I doubt the 62% figures. All in all AIDS statistics in Kenya/Africa have been highly controversial, just like the origin of the disease.
Whether we deny it or not, polygamy is happening here in Kenya. Just look at what happens when an MP dies, 2/3 other women show up with his children to claim the money, and under law, they’re recognised equally to his ‘legitimate’ kids.
So my question to women out there, would you rather your husband has all these hidden families out there, who show up to share in your sweat / toil if he dies, or would you rather just accept a co-wife??
Sincerely, I’d rather know she exists. May be I’m accepting but well…
Sorry, I meant Luo Land, and prevalence rates
Does this mean I can have a boyfriend who I love and adore and still get to shag all the other boys? Because if so, I am SO THERE!
@Kelly: I think you are defending the position in a much better way than I was, much more pragmatic and in line with today’s reality.
@DeTamble: And as always you surprise me
Anything for you Mwangi 😛
Mwangi, may be it’s cos I’m on the ground, and at a certain age when a lady has to think about these things before embarking on ‘husband search’! Lol
@Kelly: I kinda feel like I’m in the CNN newsroom here…..back to you on the ground, Kelly!
While I have not taken the time to sift through all of the posts at this moment I would like to post something on this subject that may or may not be covered in the responses. I would like to bring up the concept of Polyamoury. While the poly part remains the same ( many ) the focus is the amoury ( love). Ideally these are great relationships because they are open to both partners. ( as my granny would say what’s good for the goose is good for the gander) Where both would be able to explore sexual and loving relationships outside of the primary relationship. It is possible to love more than one person I believe. I feel that in a lot of ways this is what makes relationships go stale, feelings of settling, ( what ifs running thorugh the mind) it is human nature to be attracted to other people it does not mean you love your partner less , you just have a lot to share !!!
The problem that arises tho in polyamorous relations at least in mine and others that i know experience. is pretty much this .. The guy is usually gung ho at first and all about it ( you mean i get to be with other girls ? ) and if the female is bisexual he automatically assumes it means 2 girls at once for him. woohooo so he is initially ok with the situation. When it comes to pass that those other girls are for the girlfriend not always him and the girlfriend he gets pissed. Enter the other guy who is with you girl . This is where it gets really hairy , said guy is totally cool with the idea that he can sleep with other girls and have threesomes with his girl but NOT the idea of his woman being with another man enter the double standard. It is perfectly fine and natural for him to fulfill his nature but not for a woman to be vivacious and sexual within her nature to be with other people as well .
This is why these relationships tend to fail . The man’s jealousy. I know a lot of women who would be fine with this type of relationship providing there is complete openess and honesty ” hey honey I am going to be staying over at so and so’s house tonight dont wait up !! *wink * wink* ) which would eliminate the lies that cheating brings on because the whole concept of “cheating ” would be eliminated . But the most important part being non posseive and not being jealous on the man’s part rarely comes to pass. A lot of people will say that women are jealous well its been my experience that men can be just as jealous and insecure if not more so ! I dated a guy once who would get mad when I wore high heels because i was a good deal taller than him and everytime i talked to a male friend ( who could be obviosuly flaming gay queen ) he would be like ” who’s that are you sleeping with him ? ” tsk tsk , Why cant people just learn to communicate with one another and be open and honest about how we feel and what we want and not be judged ? hmm I guess that would be Utopia and we are just so far from that point in our society at this time.
Mmmmh….glad I’m not the lone woman on this once more. @Dawn, thanks for supporting the idea that it’s possible to love more than one person. You’ve certainly brought a new swing to this…an open marriage.
Blame it on background and upbringing, but my view on polygamy always assumed that the woman is ‘faithful’..this makes it even more interesting.
BTW, I agree that men are more jealous and insecure than women, just that they go to great lengths to conceal it, while we will speak out.
Lol at the ‘are you sleeping with him comment’..I have a friend who always asks that.
@Dawn and Kelly: I guess we set the all time high comment record.
Personally, as a life long arrangement I would never go for polyamoury. While I am young and interested in having a lot of sex and not committing and settling down, perhaps but life long, I can’t do it or recommend it.
This is because one of the purposes of family and relationship as far as I am concerned is to provide a stable environment for kids to grow up in and from what I have seen and read – examples being PUAs for example – polyamoury doesn’t offer stability, it is far too fluid and not a solid base where a child can at least know they can rely on their parents.
One of the reasons I proposed polygamy was because it was a strong base, where everyone knew everyone and could rely on the fact that the father and mothers will always be there for them.
I do agree though it’s possible to love more than one person.
As for male jealousy vs female jealousy: I don’t know enough on the topic but we should definitely investigate and understand this sucker some more.
Mwangi, I’m not sure what I feel for an open marriage, as I said, I’m quite conservative on the issue of sleeping with another man if I’m married and all, but what I say is ‘whatever floats your boat…’ Unless I’m getting this wrong, isn’t polyamoury like having an open marriage? How does this affect the family stability?
@Kelly: Polyamoury tends to be much looser and much more….well open, with both parties being free to leave the union whenever it stops satisfying their needs….Dawn, please correct me if I’m wrong. Whereas polygamy tends to be a union, usually with sacred overtones, entered into for life, even after it stops satisfying one’s needs for passion. My 0.02
ooh, in that case I don’t think I approve. A marriage is sacred and IMO if passion is the prob, there are ways of working around that instead of walking out…Again, easier said than done.
@Kelly: That was definitely something that sadly was missing from this discussion, opinions from folks with experience. That definitely must be corrected next time we start this discussion.
Yeah, I don’t know if there are no married folks in the blogosphere or what..
@Kelly: I think most of the married folk probably congregate on other forums and blogs to talk about business or politics. It looks like the blogosphere is predominantly a collection of young, single and searchings.
Wow . I woke up this morning to a allof these replys!!! I’m still waking up and processing LOL .. But I am commenting back on this particular reply. Because while I myself am not particularly polyamorous ( if I met the right person perhaps) I have known people who are many people and these people also have children. It is a VERY loving and stable relationship that these people have. It’s not a loose union most of these people are in marriages now while of course these end and sometimes third marriages are not legally recognized they are recognized in the hearts of the people involved. It’s not just a sexual thing that is the primary differerence. These are all independant and sometimes shared relationships. and those parties that are involved love , support and nurture the children involved in these unions because well its all aobut the love !! LOL I guess you could say it goes along with that old saying “it takes a villiage to raise to a child.” As far it being a negative influence to grow up in such an environment i would not really say that, these children tend to grow up ( yes I know some grown children who where brought up in these types of situations) tend to have open minds being encouraged and nurtured to accept all types of people and different ideas and not conditoined to one set way of thinking. You can relate to so many things on so many levels how people get set in a particular frame of mind on certain subjects just because they where thought that one way is right while all others are wrong. Which leads to arguments sometimes wars and generally all kinds of bad things. I’ve always been of a very open mind tho i grew up rather conservatively but it also just part of my personality to seek the other answers out there i dont like to settle .. 😉
@Dawn, methinks that this is just like the African polygamous family then?Like the whole thing of raising kids together and all. A friend of mine joked how they had ‘exchange programs’ with the step mum’s kids over holidays (his father was ploygamous) What do you think Mwangi?
Hi Kelly !!! There are a LOT of women out there who feel fine with the openness in their relationships providing that is open on BOTH ends !! LOL After all fair is fair right ? Now one thing i did not get into before which can open even more debate is the fact that I have found in my experiences that most people who practice these types of life styles practice “the old ways” in spirituality various ecclectic forms of paganism and earth religions some examples Wicca , Santeria , Thelema , Khemetisim,ect those are just very few examples there are tons of variations in personal beliefs but the shared view of these is that while most world religions such as christianity and islam tend to be patriarichal based these schools of thoughts are matriarichal based or based on the concept of male AND feminine divinity in equal proportion. Just some further food for thought.
mmhhh I need to research on these other beliefs…
Yeah, I agree Christianity and Islam heavily lean towards favouring the man especially in matters sexual and marriage related.
I kinda like the idea of having a marriage thats open on both ends, as I said earlier, if the passion is dead, then there are other options, but again, being the Christian, African woman has raised me with the attitude of ‘it’s ok for the man to cheat/marry many wives, but the woman is supposed to be faithful…’
“exchange programs” lol yeah I can see that but is does sound similar then because that is what a lot of families do, do spend time holidays whatever with the extended family except in this case the women have their other loves and husbands and the men have their loves and wives as well which all incorporate together . Also tho like i have said before while these unions can be very nice for everyone involved it needs to be very clear to everyone what they are entering into the honesty and communication come above all else to make that sort of thing work.
@Dawn: I agree with Kelly that that seems very much like African polygamy. Would I be wrong though in making the point that what separates the polyamorous from the polygamist is that in polygamy it is one woman marrying a man and his other wives(s) for life regardless of whether or not the union satisfies them emotionally whereas polyamourous relationships end if the love ever fades?
I totally understand that school of thought too !! I myself was raised in a strict catholic household where the males ” whored around “: ( as my granny would put it) while the women stayed stoic and docile towards the men . Instilling the idea that it is ok and acceptable for the man to go out and do what he wants while the woman stays home faithful and taking care of the kids and home. Society has quite the double standard dont you think ? My grandma always said a man can go out sleep with a different woman every night take a shower the next morning put on a clean shirt and be accepted anywhere, while a women displaying the same behavior is labeled as a “whore ” a “slut” ” no good ” ect . Granny also always said ” don’t give it away for free ” “remember a woman Is whore whether she gets paid or not so you might as well get something from it ” Now Im not saying that when i do meet someone i am attracted to and that i like i make them give some favor in return but i use that as an example as to why so many women get jaded and turn into “man haters” my grams being a perfect example her first husband cheated numerous times had many other children all over the world ( he wsa in the military ) but she had the strength to leave him while they where in Italy come back to the states and raise 4 kids on her own working in a factory in the 1950’s no help from a man whatsoever ( its only been in the last 10 years shes been recieveing money garnished from his Social security and pension to pay back the child support never given her during the time her children where young) but i digress . I come from a line of independant and strong women who are not afraid to defy men and the predispositoined roles. So i guess it’s in my nature lol as I said earlier Ive alway been one to try to seek a little further beyond what i am shown there is always a flip side to every situation and thought . factors unknown that sort of thing.. ok im rambling i need to get some breakfast ..
mmmh dawn I think I feel you. Coming from a broken family where the dad had kids from over 4 diff women, I actually feel the double standards. Isn’t it funny that when a woman leaves a man who has cheated on her left right and centre, abused her both physically and psychologically, she is still condemned as the woman who ruined her family????
That has never ceased to amaze me about Africa and it’s attitudes on family…
you are pretty much right on that account .. but dont most relationships end when the love fades ? Of course I am from the US where the divorce rate is very high i believe over 50 percent at this time. Usually tho as in most cases if there are children involved there is maintained some type of friendship for the sake of the child not always tho ( i am speaking of divorced or seperated people in general here ) I can’t imagine being in a loveless marriage for any reason regardless of whether it is monogomous or otherwise. maybe this is more a western way of thought ?
@Dawn: Yup, and the type of union’s I am talking about are those that remain steadfast even when there is no love between the two parties. As I have said many times before, I think marrying and expecting a marriage to stay steady because the other party will make me feel loved for the rest of my life is flawed.
As for the double standards surrounding infidelity, I really can’t say much because I am a man and I do benefit from the system as it exists and so anything I say pretty much would be coming from that place.
I know what you are saying . The woman is expected to take it and smile and bear the abuse ( whatever type it may be ) and she is the one who gets blamed when she tries to better her life !! that is a trend throughout the world i think not so much in the states nowadays but there are still people here who think like that its everywhere really. While i dont really have an experience or knoweledge of African culture and way of life. I know that during the last time I was talking to my daughters father ( hes from Africa) (im expecting in Sept) he acted like he wanted to involved ect ect .. but we should do a paternity test which is no problem at all !! he made a comment to the effect of so what do we do then do I marry you and take you back to Africa ? to which i was like Hell NO!! LOL dont get me wrong from what i have seen its a gorgeous land but you do only read the negative things about the attitudes towards women over there. and while i know that it is a much larger continent than the things you see on national geographic and in the media its still a strange land halfway around the world and nothing like what i am used to i am sure. I havent spoken to said guy since ( he’s hiding from me heh ) but i dont know generally speaking i would ask your opinion is it as bad for women in africa as it is portrayed to be on TV and news ? It seems all you ever hear about are things like the rapes in the congo and the mutilation of those women . i know it cant all be like that but in america those are the images that you see. and if its not that then its a woman carrying a basket of clothes on her head down to the river to wash on a rock . Im just curious .. someday i would like to be able to tell my child something of where she comes from .. not saying you have all the answers but it does intrigue me . do you know where i am coming from ?
Now, @Mwangi, I think you mean relationships that survive even without passion. I find it rather hard to believe that even a normal friendship would survive without love, much less a marriage. Now what happens to marriages that actually have no love at all? As in there is hate, malice etc? These are doomed to end. What I believe is as long as we can remain friends, there is no need to divorce, we just stay together, bring up the children in stability, the man can marry other wives, I can get my fulfillment elsewhere, but at the end of the day we have a stable family…
@Dawn. I hear you on the distorted view of African women. Congrats on the baby by the way! Imagine life here isn’t as bad as portrayed. Having grown up in rural Kenya, and now living in Nairobi I can say that women have made great strides in terms of self empowerment and being assertive. But I think the problem is, having witnessed so much abuse from men against our parents/grandparents, most ladies are also quite jaded about men, marriage etc (at least I speak for myselt)
Wow it really is amazing how different thoughts and attitudes vary from culture to culture and person to person .. I can’t even fathom entering into a marriage for any reason other than love !! but that is my thought and opnion. As a little girl ( and once again this is conditioning here ) we are taught that someday we will meet a wonderful man ( prince charming if you will ) that wil sweep us off our feet make us feel so loved and special and that is where the marriage comes in adn the “ever after” now obviously I am not naive enough to buy into all of that you live and learn . but i still feel that marriage is a serious thing and if you dont love someone and cant imagine the rest of your life with them why do it . ? of course love does sour and fade sometimes . but at heart I do remain a bit of a romantic in the hope that somewhere out there is “the one” . I also understand that your being a man gives you a biased opinion towards the subject of multiple wives. but i have always found that even tho i dont entirely agree with someone else’s thoughts or beliefs it is at the least interesting to consider there are other possibilites . So that being said the big difference between polyamory and traditional polygamy being taht the woman has equal rights in the polyamorous situation at least that is the impression I am getting where as in polygamy the man calls the shots and has the rights while the women are subservient to their wishes ?
II think that as far being jaded from our parents and grandparents experiences is a common thing for a lot of women all over the world. I also agree that even the most basic friendship is based on a type of love . I have to run for now tho . things to do people to see. I would love to continue discussion at later time tho . I thrive on healthy exchange of ideas and thoughts or ” good conversating ” lol
@Dawn, yeah in African polygamy, the man calls all the shots, if the woman was to even be suspected of being unfaithful!!! Your life would be over.
I think love is a good reason to marry, just that I find it so risky to get into a relationship having given your all and the other person lets you down, but well…
wow .. that is so crazy .your life ? maybe these guys should check out the show Snapped ! it’s a documentry series ( series as in its ongoing there are that many cases a different one each time) about women who get pushed to their limits by their men ( cheating abuse ect ) and they “Snap” hence the title and kill these guys .. There is an old saying dont know if they have this saying in Africa but its one that i think men should be aware of ” Hell hath NO fury , like that of a woman scorned.”
jsut thought i should clarify I dont support the idea of anyone killing anyone !! LOL but merely want to point out people have limits you acn only push someone so far ya know ?
African women of the day were so docile… I remember my grand mum telling me of how her husband would beat her, and that was no big deal. Infact in some communities wife beating was a sign of love.
I agree by the way. The things I have seen done to women in my life, put me in the same position and I will kill the man.
I feel you girlfriend !!! I gotta run out the door tho .. Hey if you can download the song “Cellblock Tango ” from the musical Chicago it’s done by the “six merry murderesses” the chorus is to effect of ” he had it comin , he only had himself you blame , if youda seen it , if youda been there you woulda done the same. it was a murder but not a crime he had it comin !” lol its a bit of a comical take but still welll you get the picture its a great musical to you should check it out sometime !! TTYL
Thanks gal! Have a great day!
@Kelly: Agreed! You put it much better than me!
@Kelly, Dawn and everyone: Until I actually have more knowledge and experience on the matter, I think I’ll leave you 2 to continue the dialogue because y’all are doing it so well………
Hey, I want everyone to agree with me that we can marry for love and love someone all our lives, and that a cheater will always be whether in monogamy, polygamy or even single. That a clear line should be drawn btween cheating and polygamy and not cover up a cheater saying ‘men are polygamous by nature’! That reasons for polygamy in old days,esp in Africa have completely (or almost) nothing to do with the cases in present days…. and that am just not about to marry if I know that I will share him with someone else!lol (and I know that am not the only one)
Hello all, im not from african desent so I hope my posting here is ok. However, I am a son of American Polygamy so I hope I can say a couple things. First off, we men DO in most cases have a much higher libido than women do. It is just simple fact. It is not something that women want to think about and men usually tout. This does not of course give us lisence to run about having sex willy nilly. We are accountable for our actions just as much as women are.
Second, It is possible to love more than one person with all your heart, it is actually stupid to think otherwise. Many people for example really close best friends and love them all dearly. What do you think a good marriage is? It is marriage of best friends who are endeared to each other, excited by each other, happy to be together and hold to each other when things are tough.
Men and women alive keep coming back to the libido factor when talking about polygamy as I indicated in the first section, the section section of course is also the ideal. The fact is that GOOD polygamy takes both of these into account and a very heavy dose of reality.
Sex is NOT the end all of existence, and can get down right taxing or boring at times. When your schedules are busy etc, your not feeling well and so on. Guys get tired of it too just like women. Relationships, helping one another and being there for each other, that never gets old.
So is polygamy good? Yes and No, for the majority of people I think it is not something they are mature enough to live. And yes I am saying most people are to selfish, to controlling, and lack in love far to much to even consider it. Heck for most people if it was not for their “need” for a companion, they would just as well live their lives alone and spend all their days fullfilling their own wants and persuits , male or female.
I have seen polygamy work, and work well. I have seen happy women and men, though the men are usually very tired as they have to work alot to support their large families. The kids feel greater levels of love and have a much more powerful support network than those with one or two siblings and one father and mother.
If you can live polygamy and spit out your pride, toss off your greed, and slay your jealousy male and female alike, then you can have a marriage far exceeding that which you have ever had. Notice I said marriage, it is not marriages, when more women come into the marriage it is still a marriage. You have to learn to live as one.
For those of you who are selfish , jealous, greedy, and unable to love others properly, never even think about becoming a polygamist. You will only destroy yourself and your family.
One finaly note I forgot to put in. For polygamy to be good for all, everyone needs to be accountable. No one can be exempt from their behavior. Abuse of any kind from anyone should not be tolerated in the slightest. You can not have love and cruelty in the same home for long, one of them has to leave.
@Eric: Interesting….so in your case it actually “worked”. What country were you practicing in? Was it for religious reasons? Social reasons? Tradition? What were the biggest benefits you saw in polygamy that may not exist in other unions?
Mwagi , the USA. It was my parents who lived it. I do not live it myself though having seen it work well I would not be adverse to it. They lived it for religious reasons. I would say the biggest advantage came for the kids. Almost always having a play mate and someone to talk to.
Me, I am not for or against polygamy, if it fits you and your wives so be it. My grandfather is Muslim and has four wives, so I have some experience, growing up on his compound. For the most part polygamist families seem to have the same family conflicts that affect non- polygamist families. Just like with most things I think there can be some very positive and negative aspects to polygamy. My grandfather has a lot of kids, but for the most part from what I can see he loves his kids all the same, and has a relationship with all of them. My father from what I can see knows and gets along with all his brothers and sisters, regardless of whether they are from his mother. Now there have been fights and jealousy, within the family, but all the wives still live on my grandfathers compound, so something is working out for them, there still there. One thing I realize and thought was funny, is that out of all my uncles I don’t know any who have more than one wife. I was wondering why this is, they are Muslim like my grandfather, live in Africa, where it is not illegal, yet have not married more than one wife, even my father.
living in the states peoples perspective on polygamy is very one sided, and polygamy is shown very badly in the Media. I remember, I think it was at school once, when I mentioned that my grandfather had more than one wife, I think that was the first time I realized how bad most of them viewed that way of life. I had to explain to them that although in American, when you hear on the news that in Utah fourteen year old girlsare getting forced into marriage, to a much older man with several other wives, this is not actually the case for most people who get into polygamist marriages.
As for infidelity, sex and marriage, I was watching some Asian drama, and one of the characters said that a man who has sex without the existence of love is as good as an animal. Now that statement is not saying that you cannot have or enjoy sex without the existence of love. But realize what that means for you and that person, your committing an empty act. I often think human beings try to elevate themselves much higher than the average species of animals, but what they must realize is that if they are going to do this they must show and explain how in honest truth we are much better than other species of animals. Genetics shows we aren’t that far in genetic relation.
@Sariat: Hmmm, that is interesting. Why didn’t your uncles take second wives? Is it because they grew up in an environment where social proof led in a different direction? Did the lifestyle disgust them? Is there something I am missing?
Yup, if you read the comments above it becomes quite clear that in this Westernized society, we have an interesting scenario where people are more open to infidelity within monogamous unions and more wiling to wrap their heads around that than the idea of polygamy.
I have seen one of those specials which puts down polygamy, it was Oprah actually, but in Kenya, growing up, for us it was simply not kosher or cool. No specials on TV, no discussions. Polygamy was something our grand folks did and not us…………
I really have nowhere I can throw this in but I find it compelling that even Hugh Hefner’s revolving door of young under 25 bombshells is more acceptable than polygamy in its various forms.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by and contributing to the discussion.
This is an interesting topic. I’m probably being bland here but I don’t agree or disagree with polygamy. Its an obvious historic fact as it is a current practice. What I see is a fact of repression in the eye of the beholder.
First, in western cultures; most people are not going to look at the fact that
monogamy can be oppressive because it has been diluted from the ‘old days’ where a woman and a man; met and married only to have sexual relations with that other person only*
*Obviously this is not the linguistic term not to mention “the exception to the rule.”
Now, people in western societies just use the term as having one sexual partner at a time. Yet, if you have only had monogamous relationships but have had over 100; how can that be redeemed as better than having 4 wives at the same time; and lets say you have had only those 4 for twenty years or more. Clearly its all a matter of perspective.
Not to mention that a man can cheat on his wife and give her a STD, its just as likely as wives in polygamy. Unfortunately, we live in a world which has/creates diseases.
Although a westerner, I can easily think about putting myself in other’s shoes and know that when it comes to security; I might want to practice polygamy for various reasons. I think that what is important is that
each person put in the situation has choice- and that it is not forced into the situation against their will. However, I’m not in the situation of polygamy and probably never will be.
In general; I believe that a womans deepest desire is to have a sense of security for herself and her family. By the laws of nature men are pre-disposed to being physically stronger. *This does not include the type of strength and pain tolerance when it comes to bearing children but in thier muscular make up. (at least the majority) Security also in the way that they are validated.*
*Validation being of different variables.. (intelligence, attractiveness, emotional.. ect)
In general I believe that men have the deepest desire to be worthy in their communities and have a strong bond to the validation of status; be that through family, work, play, women or all of the above.
Either way the needs of men and women are different. Its more important today that humanity moves towards actions that will bring safety and security to all societies and cultures instead of bickering about what is
the “rightous perspective.”
I would hope that everyone who lives on this planet earth wants to be safe and secure (and a bigger dream that people want that for everyone).
So if the people who are practicing polygamy are safe and secure; Thats alright with me. 🙂
@lovesculture: Something you brought up is important because its something we often forget. For many of us, if not majority, the reason that we enter into relationships, go to work, create economic systems etc is so that we can happy, loved, secure and have great relationships with each other.
The reason I say this is because, something we do as people, myself included, is we get so caught up in the tool, e.g. whether its polyamoury or polygamy or monogamy without remembering that if they give the woman her needs, give the man her needs and give the community their needs, the means may not matter half as much as the end.
Interesting thought you also brought up. A lot of people in monogamous cultures DO have waaaayyyyy more sexual and intimate partners over the course of their life than the polygamous man who may have single digit partners, who all know each other, all through their lives.
This brings up one of my big fears about this monogamous societies, the fact that allegedly “everyone” has skeletons in their closet i.e. sexual partners they will never talk about in public.
I would be inclined to believe that this type of thing probably wouldn’t happen as much as it currently happens in a polygamous society.
First of all I think that most of the people that believe in polygamy are forgetting to see the big picture; AIDS. Do some of you not realize that AIDS and SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS are a consequence of polygamy. Anybody with an ounce of common sense would appreciate this. And also and the end of the day it is the nature of the beast to be jealous of you significant other screwing someone else; whether your male, female, gay, lesbian or bi-sexual. Nobody likes to share someone that they truly love, because whether you believe it or not somebody is going to get the shorter end of the stick and be neglected. You can talk all the other bull shit all you want!! But please lets keep it real, and stop being ideal. Those poygamy practices are a thing of a past. AIDS was not an epidemic 100 years ago but it is now, and AFRICA is suffering from this epidemic in great numbers, because of these ignorant beliefs of having multiple sex partners. Get over it, and learn how to control sex drive, if you cared anything about yourself or your health you would not play around with your life. AIDS is real and it kills!!!
@A.T.: Kenya, my home country, is one of the countries with the highest AIDS rates on Earth and its a monogamous culture. Zim also has a pretty high AIDS rate; I think second or third in the world and from what I can see its also a monogamous culture.
South Africa, which is also one of the top nations, is monogamous. Botswana…..well, that’s just another tale entirely.
Unless there’s something I am missing, which I highly doubt, AIDS has become an epidemic in this modern world where Africa has adapted to its own warped version of monogamy where a man has one wife but many girlfriends on the down low.
Back to point I was making, if polygamy were allowed, some have made the case that AIDS would go down because everyone would know everyone’s sex partners because the man would have no reason to hide his other girlfriends, he’d just integrate them into his family.