One of the first articles I ever wrote was Jungle Fever: the Relationships Between African Men and White Women. It’s not my proudest achievement, but if you type ‘mandingo fantasy’ in Google, I will be among the first few search results (and ironically, by using that term again in a post, I pretty much solidify my standing on page 1 of the term’s search results).
For that reason, that article get’s read every single day somewhere in the world. Since I am constantly going back to the article to moderate comments, I noticed that I promised to give my take on what happens when the Women of Chocolate meet the Men of Vanilla. So here we are.
Considering that I was not blessed with the ability to breastfeed and am a member of the group that pees standing up, the most I can do is give a very pedestrian take on the relationships that take place between African women and white men.
Aside from sex, the other reason it’s difficult for me to go into much depth on the matter is because of the top-secret-wouldn’t-share-it-if-you-tortured-me-inquisition-style approach that a lot of women take to their love, and especially sex, lives. However, a few cracks have shown through and I encourage you to leave some comments and fill in any gaps.
White Men are in Demand
If you are a Caucasian male….welcome! You are going to enjoy (or not….just read on) the next couple of paragraphs. Significant numbers of African women across all age groups want to take a sip from the masculine tree of Caucasia (wow, isn’t that poetic? I like that, and you can use it for any race 😀 ). Now the reasons vary across age groups and socio-economic lines a little like this:
Poor Young African Women
This one especially applies to a sub-section of young women who tend to be very rural, but have had enough of Western influence to believe they have a hang of the Westernized culture (much to the amusement of some of us pretentious middle and upper class folk). They tend to work as hairdressers or prostitutes. These women want Caucasian males for money and the benefits that money will bring them. They are poor. They don’t have nice things. They want the money and the nice things.
They are also motivated by something else that I will discuss a little further on, but for now let’s move to…..
Middle and Upper Class African Women
Some of these women are motivated by money, but it doesn’t play the huge factor it does with the poor African women. These women in addition tend to be motivated by three things.
The first is a simple desire for adventure and exploration. The same thing happens to African males when they land overseas happens to our African sistaz: they want to taste and experience everything in the shop.
The second one I thought was a joke, but once I heard it a couple of times, realized that people really believe it. That saddened me. Some of them go for Caucasian males either because they love Caucasian skin and/or want to have beautiful babies. Love for Caucasian skin, no problem, there are some pretty fascinating things about the skin that amaze me, like how the skin gets red when you apply pressure then loses the colour when you ease on the pressure.
However, because you want beautiful babies?! Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the subtext of that statement that half-black, half-white kids are superior somehow to a typical black child. With all the self-esteem issues we already have as a race, do we need this one too?!
Now, granted, half-black, half-white babies do tend to be pretty good looking – Shemar Moore, Barrack Obama, Lenny Kravitz, Jasmine Guy and Halle Berry just to name a few – but seriously!
In this day and age shouldn’t we be working on sorting out our inadequacies and insecurities as a race rather than making partner selection on the basis of something so superficial. AND NEVER FORGET, standards of beauty are taught. Shouldn’t we want to bring kids into the world who won’t look at other black people and think of them as hideous. But I digress…….
Reason number three, which is the same reason the poor African women traverse into the Vanilla milkshake aisle, is discussed below
Mature African Women
After the childishness and the silliness of youth (though a huge number of African women skip this stage all together) you are ready to settle down and build a life. Many African women at this stage are intelligent, hard working and have some form of material achievement. So when they look out across the globe at their prospects, they select the Caucasian male for a reason I know a lot of brothers won’t like:
They Treat Women Better
Feminism hit the West hard! In fact my two cents on it is that in this day and age, as far as relationships are concerned, the power is imbalanced heavily in favour of women.
Men have been taught that women are divine creatures that should be pampered, wined, dined and consulted when making any major decisions.
Of course this isn’t universal, there have been some horror stories of abuse of all sorts, but enough men do this that it counts. Even when the man is simply after some sex from an African girl, he’ll take her to dinner and treat her like an absolute gentleman on the way to the bedrooom.
On the flip side, majority of African men wouldn’t know romance if it was King Kong on top of the highest building. And that’s for a good reason: Most African men don’t care. A lot of us still believe very strongly in tradtional roles, chauvinism and sadly far too many still believe that wife beater isn’t just an article of clothing.
And so they decide I’d rather my Pink-hued prince than my Cocoa-brown wife beater any day.
My Feelings On It
I could lie and say that I am fully in support of this form of interracial mingling and it makes me feel good and fuzzy inside when I see a good African woman with a great white man. I always just feel sad. I feel like we all landed on the island to fight a war together and we have lost another soldier.
Call me corny but I honestly believe that all of us Africans here are part of the same body with the same history and struggles and when one part of the body is lost, it saddens me.
Don’t expect me to join any groups against interracial love, but if you are going to bring me your brand new White husband, give me some time. I am not used to it quite yet.
If you want to join me in further exploration of African immigrant relationships, make sure you stay subscribed via either RSS or email.
If You Want Love, then Make it,
Mwangi
PS: What is with Asian women and white men? You would think one is Michael Jackson and the other a sequin glove…..can anyone explain this to me?
Tags: African immigrants, African women Caucasian men, African women White men, Black women white men, Interracial relationships, male female relationships, mandingo fantasy
im a kenyan gurl goin out with a white guy and its not coz he treats me better than an african guy wud or coz we wud make beautiful babies (coz i dun even want kids) or because im curious (coz id already explored) or because he has money (i pay ma own bills drive ma own car buy ma own bags boots and jeans etc) its because of hu he is…i love him for him. y do we always have to see colour? wen i met my man i wasnt even looking for a boyfrend let alone a white one (we live together weve been together for about a year now)…it jus happened coz at the end of the day we are all MEMEBERS OF THE HUMAN RACE tony colour so doesnt matter and wen i fell in love with him…it was with him not his skin not his money nothing but the person he is inside
@eslavida: Hello my dear,nice to hear from you. I don’t always see the colour BUT I did write this article TO DISCUSS colour and race and how that interacts in the areas of relationships.
I think as far as “fresh off the boat” immigrants go, we will probably both agree that your life and your experiences are pretty unique and pretty special.
Wow! I stumbled upon your blog and I found it very interesting and uplifting for me. I’m a white guy who has had a black gf since 2005. We fell in love, moved in together and on Labor Day Weekend 2008 we got married! We’re very happy together!
Secondly, I really enjoyed the comments above about the curves that black women have! My wife is a BBW and all of those heavy curves is what I found soooo attractive about her! I’ve never liked skinny women either because they remind me of boys and I’m definitely not into boys.
My wife and I wanted to do something for the interracial community, so we started a website just for that purpose. It’s a free forum where you can post your thoughts and comments about interracial relationships. It’s located at: http://www.mixedcouples.info so please check it out.
@George: Well congratulations to you and your new bride, the link is now permanently up on this site so best of luck with that too. Thank you for stopping by 😀
I just came across your blog today and have to say I love it.
I am married to a white man and I just wanted to mention that being all that interracial marriages are I love mine. I know a man will always be a man and some even say we should accept the African man for who he is but I believe life is too short and I want to be treated as best as life has to offer. I have dated many African and African-American men, and even some white men and my husband is just IT! My biggest complaint with the African men was being expected to be the kitchen-girl. I like to cook but if I have to go out and work too we have to share the household stuff. The African-American man? The common theme was that treating a woman right involved taking her to the mall and buying her tons and tons of stuff; anything she wanted. That in itself I found demeaning. I have a good education, a good job, a good house and my own car. I even prefer to pay my own bills. Someone to ‘buy me whatever I would like’ was not on the list of my perfect man. Some white men expect the African woman to be their mother (for lack of a better word). While African women are very nurturing there is definitely a very big and bold line between being a gf/wife and being a mother. Once that line is crossed then things should end very quickly (mental image is very disturbing).
I am all for interracial marriages as long as they are entered into with the best of intentions by both parties.
On the topic of African women and Asian men: I have a very good friend who date a Chinese man for the longest time. IMO they made the perfect couple. Their names literally rhymed. All was well until his parents realized he was dating a Kenyan woman. They repeatedly asked why he had to date not just an African but a Kenyan. Apparently Kenyans have AIDS. Long story short he was forced to go back to Hong Kong to “take care of the family business”. Sad story but that has been the common theme in all the African-Asian relationships I have seen. One Asian girl’s parents attempted suicide when they learned that her bf was African!! Very sad.
@Ciru: Yet another A+ comment. That “kitchen girl” issue is a huge complaint for a lot of women out there in the States it seems because there’s almost no discussion I have had of African relationships where that hasn’t come up.
What do you mean they expect you to be their mother? Do you mean they are emasculated and want you to take the reins on all decisions? I am not exactly clear on what you mean by that.
The hatred that Asian folk have for black folk I have always found so odd, but I guess all ethnicities have issues with going outside the race.
@Ciru: I loved your comments above! I learned some new things from your perspective. I’m sensative to the kitchen-girl stuff, so I always pitch in with some cooking and some dishes to help my wife. I also do 95% of the laundry while she’s at work since I’m self-employed at home.
My previous comments are right above yours and I would like your permission to put your comments on our website under Interracial Relationships. I’m sure our visitors would learn something also. Or, you could copy and paste it there yourself.
@Mwangi: I would like to ask your permission to reprint her comments also… I’ll put a line on there similar to reprinted with permission from the Displaced African and the link to here.
Thanks to you both in advance. ~ George
@George: If Ciru is cool with it, then who am I to refuse a comment attributed to my site on yours 🙂
@Mwangi: The being a mother issue has to do with men who do not want to engage their brains in anything that involves effort or thought. That means you have to ask them to do each and every thing that needs to be done (reminds me of the days my mom would be leaving for work and she would tell each of us what she expected us to do since she knew that if she didn’t do that then nothing would get done). I just frown upon having to tell a full grown man; Do the dishes, do the laundry, warm the car up, take the garbage out. Eventually the romance gets drained out of the relationship since the woman ends up being the one calling all the shots. I like to be involved in decision making but not the one responsible for making all the decisions. If I ask any question the automatic, no-thought-involved answer should not be “I don’t know.” It is ok not to know but show that you actually thought about it.
As an adult one should have the ability and willingness to be proactive.
@George: By all means you can use the comments as long as they are not paraphrased (the intended meaning could be lost).
@Ciru: Wow, I can actually pinpoint exact moments when my mother has used exactly those words, with exactly the same justifications, the same metaphors and language ( “I expect you to have a brain etc” ) and yet there was no movie or school or social group that taught all this……this is spooky, lol.
But I get you now
@Ciru & @Mwangi: Many thanks to you both! All I did was a Copy & Paste with your comments reprinted verbatum. I hope our readers will find your comments as enlightening as I did. You can see it at the following link if you like… http://www.mixedcouples.info/smf/index.php?topic=121.0
We have been married for almost 4 months now, so I’m still in the learning stage (and in the honeymoon stage, Woo Hoo!) I really appreciate your perspective. Thanks again for letting us reprint it.
@George: On my part, no biggie and here’s to a honeymoon passion that will last forever……
Mwangi,I am white my wife is Black from Liberia and our 3 children are mixed,no big deal we just love eachother color does’nt mean anything to me,sorry you have lost one of your soldiers..or gained a white one..
@Ian: Welcome to tDA and thanks for your comment. Hmm, I haven’t met your wife or not to see whether or not we have lost a good one 😛 All joking aside, I wish y’all nothing to success, heres to you guys being an example of what can happen when a man and a woman come together with the best of intentions. Have an awesome one.
Thanks Mwangi.
LMAO! Great stuff, man! Coming from a white man who is married to a black African girl from Zimbabwe, and acknowledging the anecdotal nature of what I am about to say, our three-and-half-year-old son is the most gorgeous kid in the universe. Yes, I am biased, of course. Want proof? Send me an email and I will send you a pic of his little gorgeousness. You did leave out on category of black women who go for white men: girls who are looking to adjust immigration status and stay in the USA. I am sure this applies to all kinds, though, men and women, white and black, Gerard Depardieu……………
I have heard that one of the reasons White men like asian women is because they’re very feminine (whatever that means), I am an african female in love and in a relationship with an african male, but may I give merit to the point that white men are good at romance…. that being said, romance shouldn’t be confused with love, one can be learnt. But beyond that, family life too plays an important role. One thing I like about a white male is his willingness to do household chores, involvement in children’s lives, etc etc which I have observed from my life here in the western world; to a degree higher than I observed back at home (ofcourse, the law helps over here), but there is some genuineness about it. And I admire/desire that.
P.S. There are exceptions (as I have found in my b/f), and the statements are just generalisations…
I love this article and the comments that follow. If you had told me that I would be dating a caucasian male at the time you wrote this article, I would’ve laughed at you, and said you didn’t know what you were saying.
But, here I am, in a loving relationship with a caucasian male (and I’m pure African). He loves everything about me: my accent, my skin, my food, my culture. It’s funny cos you would think that he would be the one concerned about the chocolate+vanilla mix, but he’s so good about it. I’m the one who notices the nasty glances from black men. I’m the one who hears the snide comments behind our backs.
Anyways, I came to dating him because I had my fill of African men. I’m Nigerian, and I dated Nigerians, Ivorians, Angolans, Ethiopians, and they ALL turned out to be painfully similar. Maybe it’s just my selection, but my vanilla man is much different and more caring, so, yes, maybe it’s the romance. But you have to realize that romance plays a HUGE role in getting a woman of substance.
like me looking for African girl be in home care and children taking care I give her my lif and should her to because now a days life need to be safe side but women sufaring to get a man do every thig for her and when she found him she become something ealse and forgoten what she was !!!that`s big trouble
as me looking for girl I give her every thing she need and when she found it easy tray to put the man who she found in trouble don`t tray to keep him in her eyes ,,
I want from every women in Africa looking for future not her but kids
Well I can comment on the white man/ Asian woman syndrome, as a white man married to a woman from Singapore (Chinese). Well Asian women usually have a way of letting a guy know her interest more than other women. Asian women often are more focussed on looking for a stable and financially secure future, rather than the stylish, cool, flashy, sporty, ‘so interesting’ type of guy that seems generally popular here in Australia. And Asian women as ‘more submissive’? The whole ‘Asian submission’ thing is much more nuanced than the average person is aware of. There is ‘external submission’ where a woman will show a man ‘respect’ in public. And that’s about it. ‘Close’ relationships in many Asian collectivist societies are a lot more open, robust and negotiated than people from ‘outside of the circle’ realise. How many of you can name a matriarchal Asian society? Yep, some of you will know that the Philippines is matriarchal (not matrilineal) where women usually hold the purse strings and call the shots at home. I think it is a little similar with many African cultures, where there are separate man/ woman roles, but these roles are not as rigid as they were in the past. What is really needed for any cross-cultural relationship to work is RESPECT for each other’s culture, self-awareness of your own cultural biases, genuine love for the other for who they are (love for a cultural stereotype does not last long) and a commitment to keep improving the relationship even when you don’t feel like it.
im white austraiian man, im in love with a girl from zimbabwe 10 years younger than me im 40 she is 30, any ideas how to impress her as she does not know how much i wana marry her??, is there anyone else out there like this??
@australia: Unfortunately as I am not in your shoes at present or don’t have much deep knowledge of people in your situation I probably cant offer any advice however I hope your leaving your comment out here results in folks coming out who can give useful tips or advice.
Accidentally stumbled on this blog and I found it hilarious and honest. I’m an African girl in a relationship with a white guy and I can honestly say he is the best guy i have ever been with and I have dated a lot. Our cultures could not be any more different but the interesting part of our relationship has been learning more about each other. I think I fell in love with him because he is attracted to the things about me I consider most important. My brain, career, love for life, my desire to constantly learn. He loves my accent, skin color, culture, food, everything. He wants to know everything about me, even making the “scary” trip to go visit my parents and family in Africa. I think the best thing about him is he is not afraid to love me. That is something I never got from an African man I dated. It surprised me that african men my age (I’m on the lower side of my 20s), still think that a woman’s only job is to serve him and have his kids. Don’t get me wrong I was raised by an African woman and I know how to cook, clean and take care of my man, but I refuse to have that be my only job in life. Maybe thats why I date white guys now, I don’t know. I am yet to meet an African man who is not threatened by a successful, strong woman and who is willing to cook for his woman, and show her love regardless of the situation or “audience”.
Not all white men are good and not all black men are bad either. It just depends on the individual. However from my personal experience most white men know how to treat their women with love and respect.I did’nt realise what I was missing out on until I met my current boyfriend who is white.He has his faults but he is the best thing that ever happened in my life and i looooove him:) …..awww. My friends are not very supportive of our relationship because of the mixed race but I really dont care. What I went through when I had a African guy ……ah ah misri sirudi kamwe lol!So I guess that puts me in the” bitter woman category” ? lol
With internet dating, I think the world is opening up for all folks regardless of ethnicity to meet someone special. I am a black woman who was married to and dated only black men until recently. I have been seriously involved with a white man for the last eight months and things are going great. I will be honest that it took me conquering my own internal bias to be able to open up to this man. The fact that I have two kids further complicated my mindset. However, when this man and I started to talk and see all of the things we had in common….we just clicked. What am I supposed to do now? Give up the chance of pure happiness because of this man’s skin color? I think now….I have grown to love him and see myself having a future with him. Does it mean that I love my brothers any less…no. I simply choose to be happy. Life is too short to be wrapping myself up waiting for my dark prince who might never come my way. Yes, I have noticed some difference in how he treats me….but it has nothing to do with his race. It has to do with the fact that this man has a good character which was instilled in him from a little boy. He knows how to treat a woman and he knows how to accept the love of a good woman without it challenging his manhood. I think that a lot of men need to grow up and learn to be more authentic within them. A lot of men walk around here worried about how their buddies perceive them so they put on errors of this macho, aggressive man…the woman beater to use your term. Why? Back in the day…the only thing a man cared about was that he had a good woman….his aggression only shown when someone else was coveting the love of his life or threatened his family. They were the protectors not the hurters. We as women..need to stop settling for mis-treatement and sharing men. We are the ones that have it in our power to make men be more respectful towards us. Its not about giving in to a woman…its about giving and giving respect to one another. The DRAMA is exhausting, not necessary and a waste of useful energy. LOVE is all that should matter. This world is a melting pot…ever evolving….why do we feel the need to hold onto something that is basically destroying our human race. Its the only race that matters. Racism and Prejudice is the seed of all that is wrong in this world. I love my man and I love my children. They are all beautiful to me…with their various shades, expressions and intellect. Thanks for starting this discussion. It was very interesting reading.
Wow, I just returned from kenya – a hairdresser in Western charged me 2500 for a hairwash pulling money out of my purse (I am fem) telling me she wants a white bf. I told her hairdressing is on the skilled migrant list here and white guys expect a woman to work and contribute financially these days. She said she’d even take an old one, so there is a certain Gold Digger class of African ladies who have this unrealistic idea of western life.
The ones with old dudes made me sick and i THINK some of those men should be shot, some are dead ugly and not even anything back home I bet, becoz of exchange rate can get to Kenya and these misguided and desperate girls go for them. Not worried about greedy ones, they deserve what they get.
The caretaker in my compount is a single mother and she wants a white as they don’t cheat (well, not nearly as much), and I certainly had dozens of married dudes hit on me there.
The asian fetish is for 2 reasons. Women like big ones and men like “tight” and Asians are tiny and peceived that way. Also their culture is more pampering to men so the men enjoy being spoiled. There might be less freedom in other ways but she’ll dote whereas western chicks except dudes to help with washing up and go out drinking without their partner eetc.
btw my bf is a kenyan but I am worried about the redneck relatives i have. i am a liberal and this guy is awesome but… i am scared. If i could earn seious money i would move there.
As a white british man, I see alot of african women dating us ‘whities’ here in the uk. I am neither for or against it aslong as it is genuine.
But alot of the native africans who come here, they go for below average to average white men (your nerdy techie type with glasses and a not so great fashion sense) the ‘black british’ here (african and carribean descent) go for white guys who are average to above average in looks and have a great fashion sense etc.
What bothers me is alot (not all surely) is of the african womens’ motive when they are here in the UK. As the nerdy sort of guy (though my fashion sense isnt too bad) I’ve never had that much success in the dating game and in regards to western cultured women. African women try to get my attention regualrly here but I’m not convinced this is genuine.
I assume it may be because of money and the need or hope for a visa for permanent residence here in the UK. I am in no means a racist or anything. I am friends with these women and enjoy talkin to them just like anyone else but something bugs me in my mind when they want to date me whilst my own western female counterparts dont bother with me muich.. Am I nommral to be suspicious?
@Chris: Sadly, yes you should be suspicious
WOW!!! I’m what is called an African-American. I am generalizing here but am I to believe after reading these comments that it’s not just American so-called sisters that are attracted to money. It’s global!? Women are primaly attracted to money in the same way a brother is attracted to a round rump and small waist. A woman can no more resist money(security), than a man can resist sex. But not every man can be wealthy. But a man can walk and carry himself with a sense of moral standard that includes what he is looking for in a woman(I recommend Proverbs 31:10-31). Shallow materialistic women are repulsive to me. But brothers we have to be worthy of the women who are of substance if she is who we seek. However, if we are just looking for a cheap thrill, then get your game tight. Women are playing hardball now. They know a weak man will do next to anything to squeeze between her. In the end both get what they deserve.
Well there are some interesting posts here. I will admit that. However I have a dose of reality here for you all.
I am a caucasiom male in his mid thirties. I am about to marry a African lady. I am your average man working his way through life. I am not rich, but am not poor either. My fiancee knows this and we do not have jungle fever. We are just two people that became attracted to each other, stayed in touch, fell in love and are very soon to be married. We have known each other for over a year now and soon my fiancee and her daughter will be living with me. The funny thing is that she went out of her way to catch me. I have never viewed our relationship as B/W as most people do and will, but unfortunately we both still face friends saying are you sure be they black or white. Nothing in this world is certain. I know people will read this blog and agree with nothing because of their own views and others will be glad to read it. You do not have to be a rich white man for a African women to approach you. My fiancee told me just wanted true love. She just happened to find it with e before she found it with an African man and trust me when I say that if she had found that with an African man first then that is the way it would have been. Well I hope some people find this interesting, but whatever your views are just know that no matter where a person is from, if it fits and you are happy. Then it is right.
I like white men. Why would I be with someone who expects me to mother him¿? Black nmen are rude, arrogant….the list is endless.
Some really good posts here. Thanks Mwangi for starting up such a lovely forum.
It’s obvious that there is no universal yardstick on measuring the success or failure of inter-racial relationships, or any inter-human relationship for that matter.
What is obvious is that no white or Asian or Arab woman will go dating a black man to pacify or boost her low self esteem. At least she wont take the cop-out that, white males have more sense of romance!some of my white male friends have been the most brutish, chauvinistic guys I have ever seen; stay-aside the stereotypical African village male. The argument taken by some (not all) black women that black men are un-romantic is a hollow cop-out! If percieved black male un-romanticism is a genuine argument; then arguably, white males, who in yester years were perpetrators of rape against black people would be a true generalization.Black women should first face the truth and confront and exorcise their demons of low esteem. Why do I say so? What other race of women spends billions every day, trying to bleach their skin and alter their hair texture and color to conform to the “standards” of their female counterparts of a different ethnicity?Lets not kid ourselves;Yes, there are black women who have a sense of self worth (a minority) and choose to date outside the African race, but the majority do so to “elevate” their status in life!
Sad, but we all know it is the reality. I have no interest in such women(regardless of ethnicity) but since this forum addresses African women, I dare say,I don’t want anything to do with a black woman who cannot live in her own skin.And as a P.S; I am a successful African man, who has dated across all ethnicities in the USA.Sadly,the only women whom I dated,and found to suffer low self worth were African American, and were ignorant of it!Not wit standing their impressive academic and career achievements! Wake up African woman (and man too).Chocolate was not meant to be just a flavor poured and mixed into another! By itself it is a complete and satisfying nutrient.A rare treat so to say. That’s why God made only a limited amount of it, stupid! Much love.
Our choice of who we are attracted to will remain the same regardless of race. Are we less gold diggers if we end up with men of our own race? I personally am attracted to features that I can only find in white men FYI I make more money than my white hubby and we are for sure an upper class couple in fact even by myself I would still be upper class I just happened to have been attracted to a man who is not of the same race. After reading all of this if I had a choice I would still choose to marry a white man. It is what it is. Am just keeping it 100